unexpected sadness

Mom's death didn't sneak up on us... she was 85, had been very sick, hospice came to the house to help out... we knew she was going home. Even still, I find myself grieving in unexpected ways. Yesterday, June 6, would have been mom and dad's 62 anniversary, mom died 3 days shy of the big day. We took dad out to her brand new grave at National Cemetery and wept together.

I've kept myself busy all day long- trying to fight off the urge to return to the piece of dirt where I know mom's not -but longing to feel her presence.

Friday, driving home from the grave, my 93 year old father sitting beside me in the car- clutching a sun wearied rose from one of the remaining arrangements -wept and sang... it was heart wrenching... he's been singing the same old Irving Berlin song since the morning she died: What'll I Do?

"What'll I do
When you are far away
And I am blue
What'll I do?

What'll I do with just a photograph
To tell my troubles to?

When I'm alone
With only dreams of you
That won't come true
What'll I do?"

I've always loved to hear my father sing... but not this... it's too sad. We talk about mom being in Heaven, what it might be like, how she's with Jesus... and we take Hope... don't know how people without The Lord face death. Even still, today, this first Saturday without my mom in my entire life, I'm just a little blue... can't help but wonder: "What'll I do?"

in it together

That's my family- at Disneyland, November, 1961 -I'm the really cute guy next to my sister Kat, getting "cooked" up front. My oldest brother, Danny, is on the left and Tim on the right. Dad and mom seem to be getting a kick out of watching their kids stew a bit... we were all so young, each of us just kids...

Mom loved Disneyland- back in the days when entry was free and in the evenings it was easy to take a stroll down Main St., shop a little, and dole out tickets saved from past trips to us kids. Gold "E" tickets were a rare commodity... usually saved for the older boys adventures while Kathleen and I rode Dumbo or the Merry Go Round on the dreaded "A" or "B" tickets at the front of the book. I'm guessing that with four kids in the house any escape was welcomed and one that offered so much diversion must have been wonderful.

Mom died this morning, a little before 2am, June 3, 2008. We held hands and wept together, prayed and then released her, with tears, into the Main St. of eternity. Heart's broken, hope securely fixed on the promises of Christ, one more time we were all in it together... never to be all together again until we're Home with The Lord.

That's our family... that's my mom... she gave us more than we could have ever asked for or imagined. She loved us with her whole heart. What she always wanted most is for us all to be in it, regardless how hot the fire, together.

Can't imagine life without her. I'll do my best to keep her constantly in my heart, live out her practical faith daily, remember her sense of a "higher calling" and do my best to see God's Big Picture in everything. Our family stew, stirred carefully over the years by mom, has seeped to the core of my being. I'll keep her memory alive in my life, in my actions, in my love.

Main St. in Heaven is packed with good folks I love. Tonight, as the little white lights in the olive branches begin to twinkle, I imagine mom just getting settled in...enjoying "The Evening Light" waiting, until we're all in it together again.

love you mom

Together... WE CAN!

Memorial Day Weekend, 2008... siempre fiel... always faithful. Enjoy the video.

siempre,

Eric

a few "raw" reflections

I took the little video at the start of this blog, Friday morning, May 23, 2008 - as they prepared to unload materials for our Memorial Day Weekend build at Siempre Para Los Ninos in Tijuana, Mexico. The photo was taken Monday morning, May 26, 2008 -shortly after we dedicated the building... 2 days, 3500 square feet, months in the planning, tens of thousands of dollars in fundraising... today, not completely finished but pretty darn close... not furnished or painted... but ready for the pioneering groups who'll be the first to lead mission's trips to Samaritan House at Siempre... it's hard to imagine another Memorial Day Weekend is behind us.

When we built our first church it took months to actually have a congregation- today -that little church has been torn down and rebuilt as Pastor Israel leads a thriving, growing congregation... they're planting a new church on their own in a new community. It took months after we built our children's home, Siempre Para Los Ninos, before we had our first children- today, our directors, Alejandro and Aracelys have their hands full with over 30 children, a full staff and face the challenges of who can get into Siempre... Don't know how long it'll take us to find a new bridge building missionary to live in the apartment we built atop the new building... or how long until each week is filled with work groups... but I know it will happen... God is faithful... even when we're faithless... but we're doing our best to remain faithful.

Watching the faithfulness of the workers- listening to the witness of their faith in a hammer's fall, the swoosh of a paintbrush, the constant cry of our generators producing electricity for the worksite... I was blessed just to partner with so many fantastic people... people with a heart for God, a heart for children at risk, a heart for people living in poverty... we had such fun... we shared a miracle... hope you can catch just a bit of it in the video and photos.

many blessings... many thanks...

siempre,

Eric

you should read John's blog

Our son John- at his college graduation last December, with our daughter Julia

You should read John's Blog. Today he wrote about a funeral we shared... Julia ran the office, John ran the media, I buried Mary... a woman ready to meet her maker at the end of a full life. John speaks his heart, my heart as well, in today's posting. Check it out here. I'm not going to write about it... not much anyway... my mother's dying... doing the funeral for another mother, so close in age to my own, took it's toll.

John tells the best part. My father's great aunt Laura... guess that would be my great, great aunt Laura, died in the early 1900's and is buried near the graves of my grandparents in Princeton, Indiana. Her final words are engraved in the black granite tombstone she rest beneath: "Tell the church I love Her..."

Visiting Mary, the woman I buried today, while she was in intensive care, some of her final words were spoken as she reached her hand to grasp mine, eyes closed... tears trying to work their way up into the dehydrated lids... same words as my great, great aunt Laura... you could have pushed me over with a feather... it was like I was standing in the spring grass on that little plot outside of Princeton again: "Tell the church I love her."

Today she's at Home with The Lord. Hope she gets to hang out with Aunt Laura in Heaven.

I've been doing my best to guard my heart against the days to come... sitting with dad, now 93, I told him the sweet story of Mary's passing, her final words to me. Reaching out, dad looked me in the eye and said: "Eric, when you know I'm near the end, remind me to say something really good. To 'tell the church I love her.'" Processing the words I'd share today, I realized again that there are no worries for dad, for mom... they've told the church they love her everyday, in all they do. She's been our life... and I'm glad, no regrets, only humbled that God would use us.

Those are our children- my parent's grandchildren, the great, great, great niece and nephew of Aunt Laura and they love the church. Today they told Her with their lives... and made their old man proud... more importantly, made their Heavenly Father proud. Hopefully, however eternity works, aunt Laura and maybe even Mary, were able to share the joy.

In the midst of the sadness, it was a good day. Thanks for reminding me John.

Tell the church I love Her.

Eric

money

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A Firm Foundation

He is like a man building a house, who dug down deep and laid the foundation on rock. When a flood came, the torrent struck that house but could not shake it, because it was well built. Jesus Luke 6:48

We built a house once that was hit by a flood. I drive by the house and the foundation weekly... they're about a mile a part. The house sat in a newly developed ravine where the poor of Tijuana were buying lots from the Mexican government. Central Community spent $15,000- in materials and a weekend in labor building a beautiful home to shelter a family. Several years later the 100 year rains hit- washed down the ravine - filled the house with mud in the middle of the night. The family escaped in the darkness, moving with the mud flow out the highest window. They spent weeks cleaning out the mud and eventually a truck came and lifted their home and planted it on higher ground.

The foundation, built firmly on the rock, still remains.

For if he lays the foundation and is not able to finish it, everyone who sees it will ridicule him, saying, 'This fellow began to build and was not able to finish.' Jesus Luke 14:29,30

I took that photo yesterday at our children's home in Tijuana, Mexico. Lucio and his employees are midway through completing the foundation for our new building. They've laid every foundation we've built on for the last 6 or 7 years. Their work is strong and secure to work on... Me? I'm at the spot I always get to in the final days before our Memorial Day Building trips... I know it's going to happen, we've got over 9,000 sq ft of building on our campus as evidence to God's faithfulness- after this weekend we'll be well over 12,000 sq ft of building to serve our little community, to house the children of Siempre, to invite people with heart and passion to come share The Lord in serving the poor. Even still, must be my personal insecurity, I dread the thought that someone might look and say: "This fellow began to build and was not able to finish."

And so we labor on.

Pastor Ken's in Mexico today, putting the final touches on every last detail. He and John Juhl have gone over every possible plan, ordered lumber, nails, counted windows... Ken and I spent part of our morning yesterday doing one more run down on the finances- "if we have to build with just the money we have... if we raise x more dollars... if we meet all our goals..." We're giving it our best shot. Our workers will give 100%. Workers from the community will come along side us for the weekend and give it all they've got. God will under gird and in miraculous fashion- Monday morning of Memorial Day weekend we'll dedicate the new building. I'm sure of it.

That doesn't mean my mind doesn't ponder all the "What if's...?" A list too long to continue.

I was there Wednesday afternoon- I saw it with my own two eyes, stood on it with my own two feet: we have a firm foundation. It's almost complete. That can't be taken away. Property's paid for, foundation's paid for and almost ready, God's opened the door... now we're ready for builders.

Floods will come. Challenges and trials are part of life. The foundation remains and Siempre sits on high ground- The Highest -God's Firm Foundation.

I'm more excited than ever to be a part of all God's using us to do in service to lost, abandoned and impoverished children in TJ. Our new building's an open invitation- beds for 64 workers, a dining hall and kitchen, showers, and an apartment for a new missionary... we're praying that you'll come and fill it up with people who long to share a new work, bring a new hope, reach out in new ways... but build on a firm foundation.

Siempre. It means always. I can't wait for Memorial Day Weekend! You're invited to share the miracle. It's a James 1:27 kind of thing. We're building on The Rock - what we do in the lives of these children for God will never be undone. I can't believe God's invited me. Hope you'll join us.

siempre,

Eric