unexpected sadness

Mom's death didn't sneak up on us... she was 85, had been very sick, hospice came to the house to help out... we knew she was going home. Even still, I find myself grieving in unexpected ways. Yesterday, June 6, would have been mom and dad's 62 anniversary, mom died 3 days shy of the big day. We took dad out to her brand new grave at National Cemetery and wept together.

I've kept myself busy all day long- trying to fight off the urge to return to the piece of dirt where I know mom's not -but longing to feel her presence.

Friday, driving home from the grave, my 93 year old father sitting beside me in the car- clutching a sun wearied rose from one of the remaining arrangements -wept and sang... it was heart wrenching... he's been singing the same old Irving Berlin song since the morning she died: What'll I Do?

"What'll I do
When you are far away
And I am blue
What'll I do?

What'll I do with just a photograph
To tell my troubles to?

When I'm alone
With only dreams of you
That won't come true
What'll I do?"

I've always loved to hear my father sing... but not this... it's too sad. We talk about mom being in Heaven, what it might be like, how she's with Jesus... and we take Hope... don't know how people without The Lord face death. Even still, today, this first Saturday without my mom in my entire life, I'm just a little blue... can't help but wonder: "What'll I do?"

in it together

That's my family- at Disneyland, November, 1961 -I'm the really cute guy next to my sister Kat, getting "cooked" up front. My oldest brother, Danny, is on the left and Tim on the right. Dad and mom seem to be getting a kick out of watching their kids stew a bit... we were all so young, each of us just kids...

Mom loved Disneyland- back in the days when entry was free and in the evenings it was easy to take a stroll down Main St., shop a little, and dole out tickets saved from past trips to us kids. Gold "E" tickets were a rare commodity... usually saved for the older boys adventures while Kathleen and I rode Dumbo or the Merry Go Round on the dreaded "A" or "B" tickets at the front of the book. I'm guessing that with four kids in the house any escape was welcomed and one that offered so much diversion must have been wonderful.

Mom died this morning, a little before 2am, June 3, 2008. We held hands and wept together, prayed and then released her, with tears, into the Main St. of eternity. Heart's broken, hope securely fixed on the promises of Christ, one more time we were all in it together... never to be all together again until we're Home with The Lord.

That's our family... that's my mom... she gave us more than we could have ever asked for or imagined. She loved us with her whole heart. What she always wanted most is for us all to be in it, regardless how hot the fire, together.

Can't imagine life without her. I'll do my best to keep her constantly in my heart, live out her practical faith daily, remember her sense of a "higher calling" and do my best to see God's Big Picture in everything. Our family stew, stirred carefully over the years by mom, has seeped to the core of my being. I'll keep her memory alive in my life, in my actions, in my love.

Main St. in Heaven is packed with good folks I love. Tonight, as the little white lights in the olive branches begin to twinkle, I imagine mom just getting settled in...enjoying "The Evening Light" waiting, until we're all in it together again.

love you mom