unexpected sadness

Mom's death didn't sneak up on us... she was 85, had been very sick, hospice came to the house to help out... we knew she was going home. Even still, I find myself grieving in unexpected ways. Yesterday, June 6, would have been mom and dad's 62 anniversary, mom died 3 days shy of the big day. We took dad out to her brand new grave at National Cemetery and wept together.

I've kept myself busy all day long- trying to fight off the urge to return to the piece of dirt where I know mom's not -but longing to feel her presence.

Friday, driving home from the grave, my 93 year old father sitting beside me in the car- clutching a sun wearied rose from one of the remaining arrangements -wept and sang... it was heart wrenching... he's been singing the same old Irving Berlin song since the morning she died: What'll I Do?

"What'll I do
When you are far away
And I am blue
What'll I do?

What'll I do with just a photograph
To tell my troubles to?

When I'm alone
With only dreams of you
That won't come true
What'll I do?"

I've always loved to hear my father sing... but not this... it's too sad. We talk about mom being in Heaven, what it might be like, how she's with Jesus... and we take Hope... don't know how people without The Lord face death. Even still, today, this first Saturday without my mom in my entire life, I'm just a little blue... can't help but wonder: "What'll I do?"